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:iconxxharmoniouschaosxx: More from xxHarmoniousChaosxx


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poetry by hynoryuu


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Submitted on
June 4, 2012
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265
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I walk along a quiet path; all I hear is the breeze in the leaves. The soft breeze speaks of the ending spring, and beginning summer; I look to the bright blue sky that is obscured by the leaves as I listen to the sounds of the trickling fountain and delicate Japanese maple tree.

But overall the sounds of peace is his voice calling to me, a caress in the breeze, I look to the maple tree that stands, swaying gently in the breeze, light red lush leaves waving and casting their shade. Under the shade of the tree there is a log bench, there I see him sitting, arms open wide for me.

The man who is constantly in my dreams, his hair like light milk chocolate, his skin a dusky gold, warmth exudes from his very presence. He sits there waiting for me to join him. He gazes at me, eyes a deep hazel, a quiet passion in them that speaks his feelings though he barely says a word. He stands, dressed in rugged jeans and a t-shirt, he raises his hand out for me to join him again, without a word his eyes beckon.

A smile touches my lips, the memory of kissing him fresh in my mind. I run towards him, I reach out towards him, my hand touches his and I lean into his strong embrace, feeling safe as he gathers me into his arms. His breath tickling as he rubs his face in my hair, giving tender kisses, while rubbing soothing circles with his strong hands on my back.

Silent he remains; his heart beat the center of my reality. I look up to him; I see his lips hover above mine, that sweet moment of anticipation before united bliss. His lips lower towards mine, finally bestowing a gentle kiss. My hands move to across his back and I grip his shirt tightly, losing myself in him. His lips gentle at first but then rise in passion and urgency, my heart is set ablaze.

He eases me back upon the bench, a ray of sunlight bursts forth from its shady haze. A sense of peace envelopes me, a still calm that washes over me like a sea. I breathe calmly, looking over at my silent lover, his eyes focusing on the tree over our heads. Something about this day is magic, under this Japanese maple, swaying in the calm breeze.

I look to him, my comfort and strength, my heart and soul, my future and my past. I see him, my husband and lover, my friend and comforter. I feel peaceful and blissful.

And as I recall this day, this short meaningful, precious day, as this memory plucks the strings of my heart, I know that I have a lifetime more to come.
This piece means a lot to me...so...enjoy!

Revisions: So I took some of the advice and feedback I was given under consideration and I tweaked it a little. Still has the same feel, maybe just a bit smoother.

Again, thanks to you all who have faved and commented and critiqued. Your feedback and love is always appreciated! :heart:
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:iconcelestialmemories:
I first have to say that the overall content is absolutely beautiful! I was enraptured by the imagery that you used to convey the beautiful and delicate Japanese Maple Tree and a lovely trickling fountain.

I can feel the emotion that comes from you while reading this. The love you have for your husband, the way he looks at you with passion, it's fantastic.

What is best with this piece is how everything flows so nicely. I love how I am directed to the trees, to the man, and then to his loving embrace and how the two of you sit together underneath the tree. I feel as if I am witnessing this in person.

Fantastic job, sweetheart. It's beautiful. :star:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconclouded-rachel:
First off, this piece as a whole is beautiful. :) The imagery and the emotions I get when reading this piece is strong.

The way the narrator describes the man that is always in her dreams is wonderful. I love your descriptions of him and how you effectively convey his loving and caring personality and disposition through his actions.

The whole piece creates a peaceful feeling for the reader, which I really like.

The only thing I saw was that you seem to create very long sentences with lots of breaks that get a little too long and repetitve. For example, in the 4th paragraph I think you would benefit to break that big long sentence into at least two sentences by possibly making 'A smile touches my lips, the memory of kissing him fresh in my mind,' one sentence and then the rest of the paragraph a second sentence. Just so it gives your sentence lengths some variety and difference.

Otherwise I really like this piece; it's well written and peaceful. :) Very strong. Nice job. :)
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:iconlookingglassink:
LookingGlassInk Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
Beautiful work. There is a great deal of vivid imagery that you've put into this and you use it to paint some very sweet pictures. I enjoyed it. The only concerns I have are grammatical and it looks like they've already been mentioned by some of the others that have read this so I won't bore you with a repeat of the same. All things considered, lovely and poetic work. Thanks for sharing. :)
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:iconxxharmoniouschaosxx:
xxHarmoniousChaosxx Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Professional Writer
Yeah, I went through and tried to make some adjustments. Hopefully some of it was fixed. :P

Thank you so much! :heart:
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:iconlookingglassink:
LookingGlassInk Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
Of course. Happy to help. :)
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:iconraspil:
raspil Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2012   Writer
:bulletpink: The following is written in the spirit of helping you improve the way you express your thoughts/feelings/memories. It has nothing to do with the memory itself, just the way it was portrayed here.

First of all, where are we? A park? A field? There's a path and trees and a fountain but these things also exist in urban settings as well. We might also get the idea that she's dreaming and this is all in her head. Setting matters.

The descriptions are somewhat visible but they seem awkward to me. You hear a breeze speak -- what does that sound like? Tell us what it sounds like, not that you merely heard it. And do breezes speak? A teacher speaks. A news anchor speaks. Breezes whisper, they murmur, they hint, they sigh, they might even tell secrets.

The sky won't be obscured by shade. The sky can only be obscured by things in its way -- a building, a billboard, and the person experiencing this would have to be under the structure. The sky can be partially obscured by the tree, but not completely. And if it's the beginning of summer, the sky will be bright. Unless this is taking place at night, "bright" isn't necessary and neither is the word "blue".

Here I notice that you are repeating words -- breeze, shade, lips and peace. It's kind of distracting. With a word like peace, you've got to describe what it's like. We all have different ideas about what is peaceful, tell us yours. Make us feel it.

You think the leaves of a Japanese Maple are lush? They look pointy and sharp to me. Is the tree swaying or are the branches of the tree swaying? And shade is always under something; I find it a little strange that you mention the bench before the man and further that he is sitting on the bench with his arms out, that he hasn't risen to greet you.

You say his voice is calling but then later go on to say he's quiet and silent and "without a word". Which is it? We've got him sitting with his arms open, then he turns -- he's not facing you with his arms held out?

Some words you use to describe a visual element aren't correct: skin doesn't "hold" a tone. Milk chocolate hair and olive skin is enough to give a general idea what he looks like, which is all we need.

Passion is quiet? Are you sure? When have you known anyone who is passionate to be quiet about what they're passionate about? Aren't they typically shouting it from on high, telling anyone who will listen who they love? He raises his hand to have you join him again -- were you apart or is he moving his arms up and down? Word placement, as well as word choice, is important.

I run towards him, I reach out towards him
more repetition.

There are some verb tense issues -- I look up to him; I see his lips as he lowered his head to mine and kisses me. Try this: He kisses me. The minutiae of details about how a kiss happens is clunky. How else is he going to kiss you? He lowers his head, not his face? He doesn't cradle your chin in his hand and bring his lips to yours? I also didn't know demands could be gentle. I know this isn't a stand-off hostage situation but the contradiction is, again, a little awkward, especially if we're being told and aren't being allowed to experience it ourselves. He kissed you and knocked your socks off -- show us! Make us wish we were in your shoes.

Then when you're sitting on the bench and not rolling around in the tall grass, abandoning all virtue and shame and losing yourselves in each other's tastes and scents... he's looking at the tree?! For real? I'd flip. The tree should be the last thing he's looking at unless he's on his back and you're on top of him, devouring every speck of love he has to offer like he's your first meal in weeks.

"Envelopes" should be "envelops".

Essentially, there's a lot you can do to embellish this piece. It doesn't do a whole lot for me personally, it's not a matter of "good" or "bad", i'm just not into romance. But as it is here, it's pretty "meh". It reads like it was written in about ten minutes. If this man is the love of your life and this is a cherished memory, I would never have known. The only way I did know was the fact you had to tell us at the end that it was. It should have been obvious throughout the piece and it's really not. It just seems like a day you met up with your guy under a tree somewhere.
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:iconxxharmoniouschaosxx:
xxHarmoniousChaosxx Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much for the feedback! I appreciate the time you put into it. I'll look into tweaking my writing habits. :meow: Again, thank you! :huggle:
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:iconraspil:
raspil Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2012   Writer
you're welcome.
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:iconjujutsu:
Jujutsu Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
D~awwww. :heart:
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:iconxxharmoniouschaosxx:
xxHarmoniousChaosxx Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012  Professional Writer
:meow: :heart: Thanks
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